the morning after

I made my way into the house, sliding the gates and unlocking the door. It was unnaturally quiet, despite the mess of cars parked outside so I walked slowly, cautiously. I took the stairs and found myself in a room filled with bodies, sobering up from the night before but still otherwise intoxicated.

Where’s he, I heard myself ask. They looked at me like mindless zombies, trying to figure out who I am or perhaps knowing and giving me nothing but their poker faces. Where is he. I asked again with more urgency as I picked my way through them. Searching for one face in a sea of men. Dread crept into my heart as I did a circuit of the room. If he’s not here…

My steps took me straight out that door and into the room directly opposite. The feeling of despair felt overwhelming and in an instant, it left me. The moment my eyes fell upon the girl in bed and his sweet face, frozen in shock. A deer caught in headlights. Bless him, he even tried to shield her but it was too late.

The saying ‘flew into a rage’ meant nothing to me until that instant. I was on her, pounding her with all the senseless fury trepidation left behind. I did everything I knew how to inflict pain. At first she fought back or tried to, but then she gave up and let me at her because she has won and I am the sore loser that is trying to strangle shame away. Even in that moment, I was comparing myself to her. She’s in control, recognizes a lost battle, remained passive even though she should be the one engulfed with flames of a scarlet letter. Despite being the one fully clothed, I had never felt more self conscious of my own body, no wonder he picked her over me. I glanced up at the bed and realized we were alone. He’d rather abandon her to my wrath than to face me. I gave another glancing blow to her stomach, wishing I could ruin her before turning out of the room.

There were no tears, only self loathing and a heavy heart. Is this really happening? Did I ever made him happy? Why? Where did they meet? When did it start? How long has it been going on? That evil bitch. But in truth, she was nobody to me. Why should she take my feelings into consideration when the one who supposedly loved me spared me no thought? Yet in spite of everything, I still wanted him.

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