Check the tip of your right index finger, Liam. Mama’s sorry – I got confident and clipped a bit of your skin off. I hope it didn’t leave a scar.
You cried and I didn’t realize what I had done so I scolded you and you quietened immediately and went back to sleep. When I saw the bleed, there is not enough regret in the world to show you how I felt. What a horrible feeling, to make your own child bleed. Kids do stupid things every day, hurt themselves and that’s fine. But parents are supposed to keep their kids from harm, not bring them to harm. It might be the first time but I know it won’t be the last time and I’m only just coming to terms with that.
One day I’ll say something that will hurt you. One day I’ll accidentally hit you. One day I’ll hit you on purpose. All inevitable, no matter how much we wish to prevent it from happening. I hope you don’t take it personally, I hope you don’t hold it dear.
There are careless words spoken by loved ones and acquaintances that are forever seared into my heart – I remember someone saying to me once: do you think you’re cute when you laugh like that? I never laughed like that again. I learnt too late that it’s not criticism, it’s not judgement, it’s a testament of how imperfect people are. Live the way you were meant to live, sometimes people say things and it comes out wrong. Don’t let it cripple you the way it did me. I hope you have the strength to forgive my shortcomings and know that I don’t mean it the way you think. I love you but I’m not perfect and I will lose my temper, I will raise my hand but I hope you will remind me not to, just by being who you are.
Patience is a virtue but it’s something I severely lack and it is something that you teach me every day. How can I get mad at you when you are not doing it on purpose? When you cry, you’re not doing it to piss me off, you genuinely need help or feel discomfort and you have no other way to communicate. Sometimes I forget this and I get so angry.
But there are so many things that you do that warms my heart and makes me laugh. You’re starting to lift your head up so sometimes you lift yourself up from my shoulder so you’re upright but you’re still not strong enough so you bob back and forth. Sometimes when you’re really hungry, you’ll lick our shoulders and kiss our faces because you’re looking for food. I remember when you couldn’t properly latch in the first month and a half and we had to remove and reinsert the bottle into your mouths during every feed. If you could see how your father did it, you would wonder if he wasn’t trying to make you vomit instead. You’ve started to vomit though, Liam more than Tobias (but Liam stopped before Tobias did). If we move you too much after a feed or force you to drink. Once, Liam vomited when I gave you a pacifier. You’re both beginning to make cooing noises now, you do these cute noises like you’re trying to out-cute each other but you also shout at each other. Sometimes you shout and complain till you fall asleep but sometimes you will fight sleep instead.
I’ve finally given in to the strong motherly instinct that wants to show you off to the world because everything you do is such a wonder. I suppose people find their kids cute because they’ve never seen anything else like it and they want to remember it, they want to share it. I’ve become increasingly upset over the fact that I didn’t take more pictures or videos in your first month and I don’t want to feel that I didn’t do enough again.. So say hello to Instagram and happy 3rd month, babies.
Another regret I have is not doing the newborn shoot just because everyone else was doing it but now I can’t wind back the clock and those pictures are lost to me forever. To any new/future mamas reading this: record everything religiously, do every cheesy thing, because you regret the most the things you don’t do.